he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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