Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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