Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
