i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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