So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
