I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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