Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
