My cat gives me a boner
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
porn star boner night. come get it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
