I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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