It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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