Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
