so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I love you.
Bad choice
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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