Even the bartender felt bad for me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
BRING THE BAGELS
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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