every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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