she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
