the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
