Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
