beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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