At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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