I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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