Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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