you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
