i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize