I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
