he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
