this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
