god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
