I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And then he peed in my hair
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