just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
