I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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