We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
