He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
