Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
