Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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