Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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