Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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