you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
