Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
