I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize