its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
