highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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