I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
