We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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