I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
