Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
