Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
