You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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