: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
