i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
