i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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