I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
