have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
