beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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