So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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