guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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