She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
