the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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