Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize