Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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