there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
